Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
