First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
