I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
