Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
