Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
