someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
