Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
