I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
