Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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