the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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