I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
