i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
