yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
