Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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