he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
