you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
