I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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