Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
