I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize