You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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