nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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