all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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