As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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