Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
