Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
