i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
