turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
