i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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