I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I looked at my own cervix.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
