apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
