My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
