you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
