Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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