my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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