Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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