I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
