So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
