i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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