dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize