Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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