Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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