No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
