He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
