I'm so fucking centered right now
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
