So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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