Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
