Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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