it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I woke up under a house in Key West
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
