I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize