I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
