his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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