I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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