how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
