You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
