I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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