i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
